


escape to nowhere

by baeconandeggs, Lilipie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: BAE2017, M/M, Major Character Undeath, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 05:13:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11120631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilipie/pseuds/Lilipie
Summary: When breath caught painfully inside his throat, he realized, never more clearly aware, that Baekhyun, Baekhyun has an other way to escape.





	escape to nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> AUTHOR: (as tagged)  
> PROMPT #: 141  
> 
> 
> Disclaimer: The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Author's Note: There it is, my first (and failed) attempt at fanfic-ing (and it is exactly 2500 words!!!!!). The tittle taken from Steven Spielberg's film, despite it has nothing to do with the original. Thank you lovely mods for bearing with me T_T sorry to prompter if this is not what you had in mind and nothing near your expectation.... i hope you guys like it!

 

Chanyeol is never the type to belive in “love at first sight” or thunderstruck affection. But he does believe in the “click”. That we’ll eventually meet some one – “the click” – the recognition. We live a lifetime in a moment. We see our life playing out before us.

Just like the night when he met the other man’s gaze across the room, boring holes through his heart between dancing bodies, when slender fingers curled around his wrist; something foreign suddenly falls into place. The temperature around them when they stepped out of the pub was transitioning into the beginning of a cold, dry winter; but Chanyeol’s heart felt like it was on fire. 

Baekhyun. Baekhyun. Baekhyun.

That name, Chanyeol just couldn’t recall how many time he had called.

Baekhyun. Baekhyun. Baekhyun.

Hadn’t it been for that name, didn’t Baekhyun even exist in Chanyeol’s life at all? 

Every corner of this apartment is Baekhyun. Baekhyun sitting on the sink countertop, humming a children’s song. Baekhyun on the couch, messily writing a song. Baekhyun at the balcony, leaning forward, elbows on the railing and staring into the night sky. Baekhyun, tangled with him between the sheets, mumbling in his sleep. Baekhyun is everywhere. All the things lovely and sweet and nice and thrilling and addictive. Yet, at a same time, it feels like no one but Chanyeol has been here. Maybe, Baekhyun is just a dream – a nightmare that Chanyeol can’t get out of his mind. Maybe, Baekhyun is just a silhouette that Chanyeol imagines, only to fill in this apartment’s voidness; that Chanyeol hopelessly follows and can never catches up with.

Chanyeol can never forget the twinkle in his eyes when he talked about her. He said, she was his  _ sunbae _ at university, has been always the one he adored ever since then, to the day he was the songwriter for her debut album. 

They were, a perfect match.

And Chanyeol thought, what if we had known each other beforehand? What if it hadn’t been from a crowded bar with their head buzzed, what if it hadn’t been night stands, what if the string between them hadn’t been so fragile?

What if we had known each other since our university day? Would I have walked you home or taken you on a date? What if we had known each other as collagues? What if we could have held hands on the street, no more hiding and afraid? What if we had more nights and days than just this?  What if I could have told you more words of things we could have been?

Chanyeol didn’t even remember how he found the way back to Baekhyun’s apartment, every memory of the night before foggy. Chanyeol did remember, how every cell of his body longed for Baekhyun’s touch, body thrumming with need as he stood waiting in front of Baekhyun’s apartment, cigarette lit in hand. He remembered the electric stimuli traveling through his body, warmth bubbled in his chest when Baekhyun stepped out of the elevator. Chanyeol’s call of his name echoed through the empty hall.

Needless to say how surprised Baekhyun was when pulled into Chanyeol’s embrace. Chanyeol left on his forehead, cheek and the lovely mole above his upper lip gentle pecks between whispers of “miss you”, “wanna surprise you” and “glad you didn’t bring anyone else home this time”. 

Trapped in Chanyeol’s arms, Baekhyun clumsily fished for the key in his back pocket, opened the door for both of them. 

Did Baekhyun realize at that time how crazy Chanyeol was for him?

If it were a game of hide and seek, Chanyeol must have lost since the first time he caught sight of Baekhyun in that bar. How to phrase it, Baekhyun is a very captivating existence – intriguing and full of vibrant. Chanyeol just couldn’t help turning in his direction, like he were a radiant source of light. 

Spontaneous Baekhun, full of surprise Baekhyun, bright and lovely Baekhyun, childish and silly Baekhyun, the Baekhyun that Chanyeol loves the most.

Baekhyun said,  _ nothing serious _ and pulled Chanyeol down for a deep kiss, Baekhyun reminded Chanyeol of it as a fact, as a mantra in Chanyeol’s mind – they are nothing serious, they might be kissing, he might be hugging Chanyeol, he might be singing for Chanyeol, they might be talking all the non sense in the world, he might be telling Chanyeol about a film his family watched every Christmas, about a line stuck in his head, about a song that he just never completed… but the morning after, no string attached. That was what Chanyeol told himself too, but he just couldn’t escape. And sometime Baekhyun was so close, so close that part of Chanyeol was melted under his warmth; and Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol with such tenderness, and his fingers traced over his skin, and Chanyeol felt the adrenaline rushing under his skin, heartbeats ringing against his ears; and maybe, just maybe – Chanyeol thought to himself, Baekhyun was as infatuated as him, maybe Baekhyun knew something Chanyeol would never know. Inside his head, it felt like thousands of neon lights fly past him, blissfully dancing and leaving him empty with words never gasped out that settled so deep inside his bone:  _ Don’t leave. Baekhyun, don’t leave. _

Has Chanyeol ever said, Baekhyun was a selfish person?

Chanyeol woke up that night to Baekhyun with his arms so tight around Chanyeol’s torso, head slightly leaning on his shoulders. He whispered, i’m so sorry, Chanyeol. 

He said, they had broken up. The one he had adored for so long, for all of his young years, the one he thought would be holding his hands through ups and downs to their forever. She had already foreseen the death of their love, right the moment he proposed to her, more clearly they held hands in front of press and when that someone else kissed her under the starry sky of Seoul. But, Chanyeol ah, he asked, how is that? How can she kill a barely bloomed love, when it never existed? How can I tell her, that distance was never the thing that pushed us away from each other, but my silly delusion was to blame and hurt us both? 

Chanyeol didn’t know anymore. Didn’t know the Baekhyun lying next to him, baring his soul out to him – a stranger after an one night stand, or the Baekhyun smiling so lovingly at his fiance on the cover of the most popular magazine of South Korea for the interview about the wedding that would never happen. News of a wedding of the current trending singer and her producer for her first album would boost the sales, they said. In the end, artists are nothing but a fantasy-seller, to give the public an illusion of what they think was perfect. 

But Baekhyun is real.

But silly Baekhyun, impulsive Baekhyun, Baekhyun with all of his scars and insecurities is real. The Baekhyun that Chanyeol wants to know, the Baekhyun that Chanyeol wants to hug so tight that all of his broken pieces will be put back together, the Baekhyun that Chanyeol wants to wake up and tell him, hey silly you, maybe it is never too late for our forever, you can always have me to come back to every time. Baekhyun is real. The Baekhyun that Chanyeol has grown to love is real.

No, Chanyeol just doesn’t want to grow old with Baekhyun. It is such a cliché. Chanyeol can do it with anyone else. Chanyeol wants to paint him a whole universe of lovely and bright stars, wants to spin him around with so much intensitivity, wants to kiss him a million kisses like no one could ever do, wants them to forever find light within each other. And Chanyeol wants to tell him, about them leaving all the closed door behind, hands entwined so tight and leading each other to a place for two. And Chanyeol wants to tell him, about how Baekhyun makes him feel so alive when Chanyeol’s with him, about the life he has never seen before.

But Baekhyun was like the ocean. Vast, deepless and so full of life. And Chanyeol was so deeply drowning. So deep that, a person lying by his side, how far away he thought of, that he had a dream about every night? In his dream, Baekhyun with his back leaning against the railing, head slightly tilted, his shoulder wet under the pouring rain. What was he talking? Baekhyun ah, what are you talking, that your smile is so full of sorrow? Baekhyun slowly lifted his head up, fluttering lashes,  pupil taken on a lonely hue, soft eyes looking straight into Chanyeol’s. And Baekhyun fell into the rain. The headache was throbbing inside Chanyeol’s head. It was raining so hard that Chanyeol thought his heart was also leaking. Chanyeol awoke from the dream, palms sweaty and turned to find comfort in how peaceful Baekhyun looked when he was asleep. The dimly lit lamp shone on his face, enough for Chanyeol to make out his features. At least, right then, Baekhyun was there, and Chanyeol could never be more content that Baekhyun was there, right by his side. That was fine, he decided. Maybe it wouldn’t last long, maybe it would come to nowhere, but Baekhyun was here. 

“Maybe there is noone up here…”

Chanyeol thinks about how sad Baekhyun looked when saying that. If there is someone up here, will he tell Chanyeol, what Baekhyun saw in that moment when the car bursted into him, the headlights blindingly in his eyes and the thin line between death and life blurred? Did he see his whole life flash in front of his eyes? Did he see the one he loved most? Did he see Chanyeol, even in the blink of an eye? Did he feel sorrow, sadness, exhaustion or pain any longer? Did he have anything left to say? Did he wish, that it was someone else that he saw last, not Chanyeol?

Because Chanyeol might never be able to forgive himself for stealing that chance of someone else. Because someone else would have told Baekhyun, how lovely a child, how talented a composer, how good a singer, how bright a smile, how great a person that makes others adore so much Baekhyun is. Not Chanyeol, with his words cutting like knife that hurt Baekhyun. How did it all start? Chanyeol didn’t even remember. But Chanyeol remembered the exhaustion written on Baekhyun’s face as he said, “I’m sorry Chanyeol. Sorry. I just couldn’t do it. Sorry.. I think… we should give each other space…”

But Chanyeol held him back, words that he never thought of danced uncontrollably inside his heads, like the fog surround them, “no no Baekhyun. You just couldn’t be like that. You know.. I love you. I’ve been for a long time now. How is this your typical one night stand? You just can’t avoid it forever. You don’t love her, doesn’t mean that you will never love anyone else. You can’t hold your hands out for anyone else, because you are so used to having them around yourself and pushing others away. Goddamnit, why must you be so selfish? Tell me, Baekhyun, I’m different?”

Baekhyun took a deep breath, "Chanyeol ah.. I don’t want us, like this? You agreed. You agreed that there was nothing serious about this. You know why. I don’t want to pressure anyone into having a relationship right now, because I push thing too far, I never know where to stop, I always pull others into my hopelessly endless loop of misery. What is the point of a long relationship when it is not gonna last? I just… can’t. I just can’t let anyone have to deal with me right now. Or ever. I just… you are too,.. too good. You can’t be with me. You can’t hold me like I’m the most precious thing in the world and I just can’t be selfish to keep you to my self. I’m a broken piece. What if I could never love you back like the way you love me? It is not about the thing in the past. It is about me now, not even knowing who I am anymore, let alone getting to know someone else… I’m just so… so tired.”

And he sighed, “Sorry. I need to go out for a bit.”

No, Chanyeol, forget the soon withered white flowers next to the lifeless smile. Forget the blindingly white sheets. Forget the crashed car with its broken window glass. Forget the scattered music papers, forget the ink stains on the floor. Forget one’s eyes that were like deep sea of far away lands, forget the trembling lips whisper in the fluorescent light, forget the dainty fingers dancing across his spine, forget the lovely humming of a children song, forget the fragrance during the night on his sheets that he couldn’t wash away.

Forget Baekhyun.

But Chanyeol could never do it, because who is gonna tell him about one that has so long gone? Maybe Chanyeol is making things so much bigger in his head, trapped in a momentary illusion that everything seems too bright and being yanked back to the world where he comes from. Maybe Chanyeol thought about it too often, so often to the point his senses has been distorted. Maybe a light when it goes out makes everything so much darker than before it shone. How could he ever love some one so much for such a short period of time? How could he miss someone that was never meant to stay? But how could he explain, every morning when he wakes up, the feeling of opening his eyes to the cold white ceiling, speck of dust dancing through the opening of the windows, so suffocated inside his own body. When breath caught painfully inside his throat, he realized, never more clearly aware, that Baekhyun, Baekhyun has an other way to escape. 

Slowly, everything fades out like it is in a movie, the real world stuck behind. Chanyeol doesn’t know pain, but the hole that opened up inside him was leaving him enveloped in numbness. The hole is killing him slowly, eating out all of his broken and sucking the life out of him – Chanyeol feels like he was floating beyond all of this reality, between the glittering city lights; staring down at the rushing line of people – countless shapes of them walking to nowhere; watching everything with unseeing eyes as the sky is so grey. 

And Chanyeol started having the same dreams again, with limpid eyes that Chanyeol thought the Earth no longer needs the sea, with a sad smile and the lovely humming of a children song between the sound of the torrential rain.

And one more time, Chanyeol thinks he is floating between far away space, feeling the bright light of the pub on his skin, looking down at his own hand holding someone’s through the dreary rain.

Baekhyun, our game starts again.

 

 

 

 


End file.
